Out of Body

Within this month I’ve had at least three distinct moments where I feel like I’ve gone out of my body. I don’t mean a Enter the Void style, third-person floating above and/or behind myself and watching my body, but I mean that I’ve felt myself sort of…jump out from my head, through my eyes, and into the world.

I’m a spacey kinda cat, generally lost in my thoughts and daydreaming, creating, and evaluating on multiple levels instead of engaged with my immediate surroundings, so this experience is a bit jarring, but also exhilarating. I have a prominent internal monologue that’s constantly running unless I’m extremely lost in whatever work I’m doing or moment I’m in. Even in moments I’m invested in, I still feel I’m experiencing it from my body, from my position, from my vantage point, and I believe there’s always a divide and a division between me and the world.

But some weeks ago listening to the new Broken Bells record, I started feeling like I was melting into the world, like I was a dotted line: a general form was there but the world was flowing in and out of me.

The second time was this past weekend talking with two of my friends. I felt myself dissolve into the world and it was like I left my head and could notice every itty, bitty detail of the suburban street and houses with full clarity.

Most recently it happened while showering.

I can’t explain it. I don’t want to. I very much like that feeling. It’s like my spirit is getting into the world, like I’m not stuck within myself and I’m actually inside of the whole world. I go from having a perspective to being inside what I’m perceiving. I go from being aware to becoming the thing I’m aware of. I am part of the air around the music. I am part of that suburban street and my friends. I am part of the tiles I stared at in the shower.

It’s amazing.

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2 comments

  1. You have depersonalisation. Me too. It can be cool but it is a problematic disorder that can have you detach from reality.

    1. No no no. Believe me, I’ve experienced depersonalization and even derealization before in many scary, harsh ways but this is, luckily, very different. There’s no anxiety in it, I still know exactly who and what I am, everything feels real but I just feel more interconnected to the world around me.

      Depersonalization is not cool. Whatever you believe is causing it, I’d advise to seek help and or corrective action if possible!

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