I’ll Be Your Valentine

Doesn’t matter if you’re red or blue or gray or scaly or hairy or scary or related to Harry Carey or hilarious or oblivious or insidious or tedious or a teddy bear-expecting married woman or a twenty-two year old invertebrate or nice or sad or happy or crass or anything or all the things between.

I’ll be your Valentine. But I’m only paying for dessert because when push comes to shove a man who offers to pay for dinner is merely introducing you to the breadwinner of your dreams and I’ll mind my manners and I’ll show you a good time but I’m not here to be your random ATM because who’s to say I’m your only date and what’s wrong with showing up late and I’m sorry I thought you wanted grated cheese so I ordered you a full plate’s worth and I told the waiter to move with the steady pace of an ancient, melting glacier and- wait why’re you already putting on your coat when we haven’t even started?

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